adult..

tadi siang jam stgh 1 abis praktikum kimia (the most annoying one.. aduh beneran da gw pengen nyekek tu asisten praktikum!! hegh. ngasih deadline nya sadis bgt -___-), aku ama winny maen ke ciwalk.. berhubung praktikum kedua adanya jam 4 sore.

there, in ciwalk, kita makan di gokana.. gyahahaha, asa aneh aja, kayanya tiap2 ke gokana pasti bareng ama paragenggong (dudut, donat, mamo, karin, icha, lalalalala) dan ngegosip sampe gebrak2 meja plus heboh luar biasa. nah, today, yang kjadian justru sbaliknya..

i shared something i never said before. haha, bener loh. the thing i've been thinking of lately, justru gw ceritain di gokana (yang notabene adalah tempat makan sambil senang2, hehehe) dan brsama winny pula. don't know what took us there, tapi akhirnya aku nyeritain juga.. what's been wondering me.

jd bgini.

as an adult (diliat dari umur saja), kayanya.. i'm steps below others. some people at my age and under that i know, ada yang udah mikirin soal masa dpn dengan sejelas-jelasnya.. they thought of studying abroad with their own savings, searching hard for scholarships, they thought about having an own income, lepas dari tunjangan ortunya, and so on. kayanya mereka udah mikirin hidup sebagai sebuah 'hidup', that life keeps on going dan udh belajar untuk bisa menghidupi hidup mereka sndiri.. studying hard, attends every additional classes, blablabla..

while me, here.. i'm still who i used to be. it seems that i never change. never. i'm still here, still with my stupidity, laziness, crime and 'iseng' thoughts, still doing things i LIKE and not what i NEED to, i'm still.. i'm still..

i'm still here, still nothing.

my college progress cuma kaya kurva datar aja.. kayanya trakhir kali naek tajem mah pas mu USM doang, udh gitu udah. datar lagi. yah, at least ngga menurun lah, but i'm not making any good progress.. tetep belajar klo cuma mau uts ato quiz, merhatiin dosen cuma klo dosenny udh pasang tampang jutek, my piano lessons don't even make one. not a progress. gitu gitu aja. pdhal i'm intended to teach after graduated from high school, tapi ga jadi gara gara ga kuat sama kontraknya yang ga ngebolehin cuti karna alesan apapun kcuali bener bener gawat kaya cuti nikah sama hamil. gara gara takut sama jadwal kuliah yang bentrok dan jadwal MAIN, i decided not to teach this year. that maybe i could get another opportunity next year, or years after, but it's just.. well, i don't think i'd be able to. i'm not ready yet untuk sebuah 'keterikatan' dgn kontrak pekerjaan.

i'm nothing compared to others.. ada orang2 yang struggling very hard to overcome their problems, there are people who intends to suffer more just to feed themselves, while i'm here, doing nothing but fun stuffs with friends, having so many opportunities to be what i wanna be but i'm just ignoring it coz i'm not ready yet untuk melepas masa-masa dan saat-saat dimana aku bisa bermain sama temen-temen.. jujur, i wanna get so many achievements, i wanna be steps ahead, i know i'm an adult now and i need to improve myself more than what i used to be, but yet i don't wanna lose it.. i don't wanna lose my 'youthful' one.

ok, bbrp orang bilang, kata siapa sih jadi orang dewasa harus ngelepas yang namanya seneng-seneng.. orang dewasa juga seneng-seneng kok, tapi 'seneng-seneng'nya beda. maksudnya ya kaya dugem, party, one night stand, and so on.

haha. pengen nyekek itu orang yang ngomong gitu. orang dewasa yang 'bersenang-senang' seperti itu sih namanya bukan orang dewasa.. mungkin mereka cuma orang yang mateng secara logika, bisa berpikir logis, tapi kelakuannya tetep aja ga dewasa. orang kaya gitu mah cuma 'minjem' otaknya orang dewasa, tp hatinya tetep belum dewasa.

haha. aku jd bersyukur.. even if aku masih suka maen ke taman lalu lintas (cuma ngadem sama maen ayunan doang loh, ga ngerengek pengen naek kereta, hehehe), masih suka maen ke game master, maen piu, maen tembak-tembakan, i still love playing computer games, masih suka maen game-game genre rpg, masih suka online lama-lama sambil nyari yang ga penting, but hey, i'm not doing anything that could harm others.. aku ga melakukan apa-apa yang bisa ngerugiin oranglain baik secara moral atopun materi..

some says i still have a pure-heart, "ah si kepi mah masih polos tuh", some still asks me if have any problems in me (ya jelas ada lah, merekanya aja yang gatau! -_-), some still praises my 'pureness' (heh? naon tah?), and so on and on and on..

well. haha. gatau deh. as long as aku ga ngerugiin orang lain, hey, sometimes i make others laugh too!, mungkin gapapa kali ya.. hehehe..

but still.

i'm still thinking of how to be an 'adult'.. but not to leave my 'youth spirit'.. not to leave semua hal-hal that i described as 'bersenang-senang' (such as everything except apa yang suka dilakukan orang-orang yang mateng otak tapi hatinya masih mentah).

is there a way to be what i want to be?

but without having to choose? without having to leave anything i like?

or is there a day someday when i have to choose and that i have to leave everything to keep on doing and focusing on what i'd have chosen?

*sigh*

ok. maybe someday i will.

and i'm not gonna waste any more time thinking of this. at times, in people i know, experiences i have, someday i'd be able to be what i wanna be, just what i wanna be..

i'm gonna live and keep on living everything important for me..